An Open Letter to Young Women in Unhealthy Relationships
Dear Young Woman Lost in Love:
When we older women try to tell you to walk away, to leave them alone, we know you won’t listen because we didn’t listen when the elders tried to advise us. More often than not, when we are in love, the ego takes over; we think we’re different and that we will prove the naysayers wrong. Consequently, we end up regretful and hurt. For some, it becomes a valuable lesson in personal growth. For others, it starts a vicious cycle of unhealthy, abusive relationships. Some become better women, and others become broken. I hope all of you reading this will be the ones who become better. And while you will have to navigate your own journey, let me leave you with some gems.
1. If you feel alone, guilty, hurt, afraid, smothered, or any negative emotion most of the time, odds are you are in an emotionally ( and hopefully not physically) abusive relationship. It will not get better no matter what you do or don’t do. Love certainly has its ups and downs, but it shouldn’t have more downs than ups and shouldn’t frantically go up and down daily. So many people think that because they don’t hit you, it’s not abusive. Threats, constant cheating, intimidation, name-calling, and isolation from people who love you are all forms of abuse. Hurt people, hurt people… Don’t let anyone break your spirit!
2. It is not your responsibility to fix or make anyone happy. If they aren’t already a happy person nothing you do will matter long term. Don’t be guilted into staying because they had a difficult life, they have no family, or because of “all” they’ve done for you. They’ll be alright; if they aren’t, you will be. This also means you don’t allow them to be solely responsible for your happiness. That’s your job. Work on you instead of trying to fix them.
3. Just because you have children together does not mean you have to stay together. I know… you want it to work; you don’t want another baby daddy. Here’s the reality. Happy mommy equals happy kid. They feel your energy, know when you are hurting, and absorb it. Even worse, they learn what they see… that relationships hurt. You are your child’s first teacher; you must leady by example.
4. Don’t compromise who you are under any circumstances. That means you won’t be an accessory to their illegal activity, do sexual favors that make you uncomfortable, quit doing what you love, and not take care of your emotional and physical health. Once you lose yourself, it’s hard to get back. Don’t let your relationship or its status define you.
5. Most importantly, YOU WILL GET THROUGH AND OVER THIS. Surround yourself with positive models for healthy relationships and those who know how to do single-like bosses. They are proof that it can be done.
You are beautiful; you are enough. And know that I am here for you when you are ready and if you have questions. Stay up, ladies. You are loved. You are love.
