How to Tell if you Suck as a Friend

Being in a pandemic for over a year has undoubtedly changed relationships. Some have grown to appreciate family and friends after experiencing so much loss, grief, and solitude. With mental health issues at an all-time high, some have also come to feel uncared for because their friends don’t check in on how they’re doing. Under “normal” circumstances, feeling resentful would be understandable. However, if you hold a grudge, you may need to assess your capacity to be a friend. If these descriptions remind you of some of your friends, then it may be time to call them out or leave them be.

Good friends:

1. Don’t keep people around to feed their egos. We see this troupe all the time in romantic comedies; the universally beautiful lead has a friend that is either frumpy, fat, or both. In the instances of Black movies, she is loud, aggressive, exaggerated, and overweight. It’s not to say that these women don’t exist, but in real life, they are also worthy of love, leading whole lives, and are not to be pitied. Still, some people only befriend others because they make them feel better aesthetically, financially, or socially, even it’s not true.
2. They aren’t conditionally happy for their friend’s successes. It was fine when you were struggling or had a dream they didn’t believe in, but they smiled anyway. Suddenly when you have a breakthrough, land that promotion, get engaged or buy a house, you notice a change in their behavior. The “I’m happy for you” doesn’t come, or it sounds inauthentic. Instead, they ask plenty of questions, change the subject (to them) or downplay your accomplishment because they perceive you as a competitor instead of a comrade.
3. Don’t allow their good friends to engage in self-destructive behaviors. Real friends are not “Yes” friends; here to affirm your poor decisions and maladaptive behaviors. The people we hang with reflect who we are, so you can only expect them to be just that. They know when you are at your best and when you are selling yourself short. A real friend will hold the mirror up to you and tell you the truth, no matter how ugly it is.
4. Don’t drop all their baggage on you. Do you have a friend whose phone call you often avoid because it’s either a complaint or crisis? When you answer, they waste no time pouring all their issues into your cup, never asking if you have the capacity for it. If you have a friend who is constantly draining your time and energy without considering any of your burdens, perhaps they need a therapist, and you need a new friend.