Strong Black Woman: the Myth versus Reality
It’s the dangerous, thankless job, we can’t quit. It is ceaseless. Even after we’ve given our all, we are still bombarded with blame instead of the accolades we deserve. We make miracles happen every day. We are the glue, the hammer, and the nails, which is why people disregard our pleas for respite when we say we are EXHAUSTED. We are Black women in America. Creators, Protectors and Defenders.
Creators. Science says so. We were here first; we have the DNA to prove it. Henrietta Lacks’ HeLa cells are evidence our magic exists. Everything from modern gynecology (stemming from inhumane experimentation on enslaved women) to trends in fashion, hair and body types have been because of Black women. Trendsetter is an understatement. Yet, many of us are raising children without a partner (and being blamed for that as well). We have higher rates of HIV (heterosexual), are three times more likely to die giving birth, and die from more aggressive forms of gynecological cancers. The strong Black woman myth exists because we have no other choice. Who will create a healthy space for us? We are tired of burying our sisters and then crying in the bathroom while everyone else is asleep.
Protector- Nobody comes to rescue of a Black woman like another Black woman. For centuries we adjusted each other’s crowns and made sure the hair underneath was hooked up as well. We show up for with hugs and comfort dishes, gather for laughter, to ease each other’s pain, to shower each other with compliments. When white feminism tells us to wait our turn, we create our own movements. We create villages to that are light fields of emotional safety for one another, watching each other’s backs, while watching our own. The strong black woman myth exists because we have no other choice. We must protect each other simply because, if not then who will?
Defender- Even when they mistreat, abandon, abuse or deny us, murder us…no one defends Black men like Black women. From Ida B. Wells’ Anti-Lynching campaign to Black Lives matter, we organize and show up to defend the Black man’s right to exist. Even when they don’t value each other’s lives, we do. But our Black men didn’t turn out for Sandra Bland like they did for Eric Garner, for Koryn Gaines like they did for Mike Brown, or more recently, Breonna Taylor as they did for George Floyd. Even now, where is the civil unrest for the murder of Sonya Massey? How can one preach Black Lives Matter, but not include Black Women’s lives? Instead, many defended R. Kelly and Cosby vehemently, while shaming victims (or denying them all together) or labeling them gold diggers. Even in the wake of accusations against Diddy, there was doubt until there was video evidence, and even then, flurries of “she should have.” All of this despite the fact Black women are more likely to be killed in domestic violence incidents. The strong Black woman myth exists because we have no other choice. Who will defend us?
There will be men who will read this make more excuses, say things like not all Black men; why did they wait so long to tell? If women let us lead; the system takes us away from you. If this is you, you are the problem. The strong Black Woman myth exists because we have no other choice. Your well intended, “You are so strong” is the equivalent of throwing salt on an open wound. We want to be safe, soft, and vulnerable; we want you to match our energy. The reality is we are exhausted.
This article is a revised excerpt from the book Quiet Strength Loud Confidence, Reflections and Realizations from a Free Black Woman.
