Too Bad if Black Women Are Too Much for You
“Too” is an adverb that the Oxford Dictionary defines as “to a higher degree than is desirable, permissible, or possible; excessively. Too is also an adverb used to qualify adjectives describing Black women and girls. Too loud, too ghetto, too grown, too ratchet, and a crowd favorite, too aggressive. Those descriptions have been applied to me to explain why people didn’t like me, why I was single, and even as the only reason why my students in behavioral settings succeeded in my class. Yes, I was told that my students did well, not because of my special education certification, my master’s degree, my youth center experience, my dedication to them, but because I was from “the hood like them.”
Being my authentic self has sometimes meant that Black men found me offensive, in need of taming. Black women, who internalized their own oppression thought I was overconfident. White people thought I was domineering and rude. Whenever I demonstrated a level of certainty about my knowledge, gifts, or skills, it was framed negatively. Overtime, I had come to expect it, prepared for rebuttal in real time, and affirmed myself with positive language later. Gradually I realized that my confidence was necessary, so I led by example and began supporting others in increasing theirs. And when I witness it on full display in other Black women and girls, I light up.
When I saw LSU player Angel Reese for the first time (which was sadly a few days ago), I got hyped. Admittedly, I haven’t watched basketball on television in any sort since the San Antonio Spurs won repeated championships in the early 2000’s. However, a friend was watching the last quarter of the 2023 NCAA semi-finals, and I was drawn to the long hair, lashes, and melanin of the LSU squad. Immediately, I was on my Issa Rae and “rooting for everybody Black.” Angel Reese’s energy sparkled with confidence and I was here for it. I was delighted they moved on to the finals; so much that I found myself tuning in two days later. Before I could have a celebratory sip of champagne to in honor of Black girl magic, the backlash and dragging had begun. Just as quickly, so did the support from those of us who understand that even when we win, we can’t win. If we are quiet, we have an attitude, if we speak up we have an attitude. No matter the response, if you are a Black woman, you will be judged.
The negative responsive to Reese’s jubilation and trash talking can be attributed all types of isms- sexism, classism being called racism… but it is shrouded misogynoir, “a dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against Black women.” It’s this disdain that demands when we are acknowledged, considered, or accomplished we must remain humble. It’s nonsense. In my book Quiet Strength…Loud Confidence, Reflections of a Free Black Woman I write about my DISDAIN for the word humble, especially as it refers to Black women:
“It has to be one of the most overly misused words I’ve heard in my life, no exaggeration. It’s just thrown out there recklessly as advice in the form of biblical quotes and warnings. It’s Be humble or Stay humble. Those phrases elicit an immediate eye roll from me. Here’s why. The Oxford Dictionary defines humble as “having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s own importance.” The Cambridge dictionary says it means “not proud or not believing that you are important; poor or of a low social rank; ordinary; not special or very important.” See why I roll my eyes? None of those resonate with me at all. Not only do I know my worth, but I also know I am important, unique, and rich in what matters to me. Imagine telling someone to underestimate their self-worth. Doesn’t make sense at all. That’s why I say “F*ck Being Humble.” There are three reasons it doesn’t sit well with me. First, it encourages people to be reckless with language, just throwing out labels without considering context or impact. I understand what people think they are saying, they don’t want you to lose yourself in your accomplishments. That’s not what they are saying, though. They are telling you to think less of yourself, which leads to my second dissent. It makes assumptions about people. It disregards that some people wish they could forget where they came from because it was so dark, traumatic. It also assumes that just because a person is experiencing success, they cannot remain grounded. It disregards people’s internal work to heal and overcome issues with low self-worth; it undermines their resilience. Thirdly, it suggests that we have to be one-dimensional. It is a lie. You can be proud and compassionate, confident, and conscious. You can be philanthropic and fancy. You can be flamboyant and grateful. You can be humanitarian and dope AF simultaneously.”
Angel Reese is no exception. As a young, gifted Black woman she doesn’t owe anyone the comfort of just shutting up and playing. Mainstream society might be watching, but so are other little Black girls and women who deserve representation and need to see that we are not one dimensional and being loudly confident is beautiful in a world that wants us to see ourselves as less than. Keep poppin’ your sh*t, Angel Reese. As Maya Angelou wrote of those who judge the respectability of Black women “my description cannot fit your tongue, for I have a certain way of being in this world, and I shall not, I shall not be moved.” We will not be moved. In fact, we will remain magnificent and unbothered.
